Fresh-faced 18.

First car, first girlfriend.

Two years ago.

Thirty weeks since diagnosis.

Fourth job, finally big-boy.

Five basement-rental family members.

6 months until breakup.

$500 for a dying car.

4 more house dwellings.

3-ish crushes since.

2 exact years on the job.

1 me still same | so distant.

Add that to my growing list of life experiences.

Looking back, I could have made different decisions. If I could have seen back then what is now, I might have. It's almost humorous how much I poured into it, now with no hope of any return.

I Have a Dream...

I tend to avoid both optimism and pessimism and instead strive for realism. Often, that realism can be interpreted as pessimism when the reality seems negative. And yet.

And yet, like C.S. Lewis' character Puddleglum, I must believe there is Hope.

“Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things--trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

Even if the sun and Aslan are just figments of my imagination, I must believe they are real, or else, without that Hope, what is the purpose of life? I must believe that my life is continually going uphill: each month is better than the last, each year better than the past. I live in the Hope that life is getting better, that there is something better than this.

I am in a season of life where I have the excitement of exploring new experiences, being in love, and dreaming what I want to do. Life seems so wide open in front of me, like anything is possible. I feel like it is all up to me, who I want to be. And yet.

And yet I live in a world that is collapsing more and more the farther from the Fall we get. The older I get, the more I realise the Brokenness in the world, in my own life. I hear the voice of older, wiser people telling me:

"Soon, it won't be all new and exciting. Soon, you'll "settle in" to a humdrum life. Soon, you'll realise life happens to you instead of the other way around and you'll accept your fate. Just wait until the honeymoon wears off. Just wait until the reality of life sets in. Just wait until you get married and it's not at all what you expected. Just wait until you have kids and they're running around throwing up on the furniture. Just wait until you turn 30 and that decade seems harder than your 20s. Just wait until the car breaks down at just when the money isn't in the checking account. Just wait until you lose your job and nothing seems to work. Just wait until your wife, co-workers, and friends all seem to be fed up with you. Just wait until your Christian life goes from easy to hard to impossible. Then your dreams will be disillusioned. You'll be forced to choose to rest in God or rely on yourself."

I've faced enough of the Brokenness of life already to see that it all forces me to God, and that's all good. But should I therefore live my life until then expecting the worst to happen and setting my expectations so low I'm not disillusioned? I argue that even if life will "get real" someday, where I'm at today is exactly where I need to be. Even if I will feel more pain later, that must not hold me back from living and dreaming now. Even if I will soon face that reality of life, this reality of joy is no less real.

In fact, our generation must keep dreaming today, or else who will see the dreams? I may someday see how much of life happens outside of my control, but for now, I'll live in my own agency. I may never reach my dreams, but I will get a whole lot closer if I dream them than if I just let life take me. <insert cheesy quote:>

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.- Norman Vincent Peale

Thanks for your patience, unresponsive world.

Have you ever been utterly silenced when you realise your immense inadequacy, ignorance, and arrogance?

Shut up when you see you know nothing about anything at all like you thought?

Hit with the brick wall of realisation that you're not who you thought you were, and neither are others?

Thus: my lack of blogposts in the past months.

These are not bad things. I'm learning so much once I get over myself and admit I have learning to do.

I've been told your Greatest Day is the day you see yourself for who you really are. That means both your Brokenness in and of yourself and God's Grace that you are no longer that man.

I used to hope that someday I'd have a magically life-altering come-to-Jesus sort of Greatest Day. But I've been having so many Greatest Days over these past few months. So apparently it's a lifestyle, not an event.

The Realisation is no fun, but neither is the Repenting, because that includes admitting I'm wrong, and that means sacrificing my arrogance.

But I'm learning.

"Life is Weird."

That's something a friend of mine said recently. And I completely agree.

Next week I'll officially be an adult, but I've been out of school for a few months now. Life is good, and I usually feel like I'm headed somewhere, but life is weird. Making decisions that truly impact the rest of your life is weird. You're Playing With the Big Boys Now from Prince of Egypt is running through my mind. 

Making slow progress is weird. I've been living by the phrase "patient initiative" lately. I'm trying to be content where I am, but I'm also taking responsibility for moving one step at a time. The problem with long-term thinking is there's a lot of short-term living between here and there. 

I've discovered that my love for the written word extends beyond creating writing. I immensely enjoy refining text into publishable pages. That's why I'm hoping to head toward the publishing world. Proofreading and typesetting fascinate me, and I want to learn more about them. The freelance life is weird.

Diseases are weird. In the five months I've had Diabetes, I've certainly adjusted. I'm excited to get better equipment that will help me be healthier, but for now I'm doing well with what I have. I have recently been diagnosed with Celiac Disease, as well, so it has been exciting being able to create my own diet. Different people deal with having these diseases differently, but right now I personally have no qualms calling myself a Diabetic Celiac--because I readily admit these two things are daily issues that define how I live my life. They do not define me, but they define my life. 

Being an adult is weird in so many different ways, but I'm learning to live in the tension. Part of me keeps begging to go back to the good ol' "care-free" days. The funny thing is, looking back from this perspective, I'm sure it seems more care-free than it was in the moment. Truly, I cannot go back, so I'm living where I'm at.

"Life is Hard."

My life is pretty hard. Now, in one sense, I don't think I've been through a lot of big tough things. Neither do I claim to have it as hard as Joe Schmo over there. Who can compare pain, being such a personal experience?

Ahh, Summer

Summer has always been a time of growth and learning for me, and this summer had been no exception. Yet, it has felt like less of me learning new things and more of me living what I know. 

For starters, I live with a chronic illness; everyday; and it won't go away (thus the name: chronic). It's a living picture of sin, how it nags, it lives with me. It takes effort to care for it; sometimes I have to take care of myself before I can care for others. Yet I can't take care of it on my own. Some days are easier, some are harder. Some days I'm more healthy than others. Even on those bad days, I know I'm forgiven and it won't ruin my life forever. Yet the long-term choices I make and the way I live day-to-day determines my future health. Quite honestly, I could die any day. But, quite honestly, that would still be true if I were perfectly healthy. My Diabetes is getting more managable, but it's still a big part of my life. 

Another thing I've experienced is community. One community I love is my team (I'm a camp counselor). I've had this week off work, and I can't wait to get back to my team. They truly are a community of Grace. The other community I love resides in our hearts as Operation Neverland. Whenever I'm around these friends, I feel completely free. I wish there were some way I could share that feeling, but words are inadequate. (For a great attempt, read this: http://clairemdb.tumblr.com/post/91075267966/dear-humanity.) I am learning to accept love and give it. Humility isn't about hiding from attention and love or feeling obligated to return it. Humility is truly loving one another. I've been getting tastes of Shalom. 

Speaking of Shalom, I've finally been introduced to Redemption in person, and it's a wonderful experience. I don't know if I'll ever truly understand the significance of that encounter. It's a step on the journey. 

I'm still on my journey to adulthood, and some days I actually feel a little closer. I have a meagre few months left as a 17-year-old, yet I don't necessarily feel closer to figuring out what I'm doing with the rest of my life. I've seen more and more potential possibilities, but not many more actual options. By being treated as an adult and being trusted with responsibility, I've learned who I am and what I want to do with my life, but that whole money thing still confuses me... The idea of living in a commune keeps getting more and more appealing. 

I feel like I've figured out my life a little bit more as I've written this. Shout out to my two faithful readers: thanks for letting me share this with you. I need to share it somehow, and it's all psychological anyhow, right?